I don't want to advocate a double life. I've been there and I know first hand what a depressing dead end lie it is and while many of us needed to go through that time, to stay there long-term does nothing for our integrity and the example we should be setting for our children.
I don't want GF to settle for just being a hang out for gay men who happen to be children. I want it to be a community of men who are fathers and just happen to be gay-- fathers who put their children first. And putting them first does not mean living a long-term lie. It means being brave and honest, the kind of dads we would want to have.
Believe me, it's not easy not having them under my roof every night, but at least I can sleep better knowing that I've set a good example and tried to be honorable and do right by their mother, showing her the respect she deserves.
Okay, here's the post, unedited from three years ago. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
quote:Guys, you have summed up what I have been thinking about privately for some time, and talking about recently with Smokey and Vince. As you said, Scotty, I can respect the circumstances of being in the closet, after all we were once there. But because of the nature of our site; a site not just for fathers who happen to be gay, but for gay men who want to be the best parents they can be, we are about growth. And if there is no growth, no move towards honesty, no struggle toward living a better life... then well, in that case our group would just be another "hang out" for men in who happen to be living in the same situation as we are. But we have always been more than that, and I get the idea that I am not the only one who wants GF to be something more meaningful than just a flop house. Though, I'm all for flopping when we can, as Woofy says, with a bear around the fire.
Ultimately, and especially as this site has grown over the year and a half of its existence, we are about, not just tolerance and compassion, but also about honesty and integrity. It's there in our "words to live by" on the Guidelines page. And I think the philosophy stands out throughout the site. But I was already talking with Smokey yesterday about the possibility of just stating it a little more clearly on the home page with our member requirements and purpose. Not that we would want to be pushy, knowing that individual situations must be judged individually. But, damn it, I had some dear friends who loved me enough to be honest with me seven years ago, and I cannot thank them enough for pushing me just enough to help me grow and come out of the darkness. No, it's not easy, but it is better, less burdensome and more honest, and therefore better for my children.
And guess what? There is still room for growth. Just ask anyone who knows me. "Journey into honesty" what more healthy steps can anyone take, and that's what we are about, right? Healthy men and healthy families. God, I love you guys.