Gay Fathers

For My Young Friends Who Are Afraid

2012-02-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

Turn Over Your Hand, by William Stafford -- Read by DJB

2012-02-02T15:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Republican Party

2011-11-13T23:54:00.000-05:00

I am usually not for name calling in political debates, but its time to face the truth; the crazy people who the Republicans are proposing as presidential candidates are so detached from reality, let alone compassion or leadership ability, that it is beyond all reason and belief. So here is a rant worth reading: Dear Republican Party

What Would You Do? Gay Bashing

2011-05-27T02:20:00.004-05:00

Thanks to my dear friend David M. for posting this on Facebook tonight. Nicely done.

Why I DID Wear Purple

2010-10-27T03:11:00.000-05:00

David Cook Responds

2009-01-19T13:37:00.003-05:00

You may recall the original video posted by Marcel here on the GF blog when David Cook won American Idol 2008. I have to say I really like this response on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week.

Find more videos like this on !! omg blog !!

What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?

2009-01-15T13:09:00.002-05:00

I think I want to get the entire video by Dr. John Corvino. Here's an extended version of the trailer. Thanks for the link, Craig!

Two Fathers

2009-01-05T03:13:00.001-05:00

2008-12-31T17:52:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year From Clan!

From Drop Box

I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus.

2008-12-25T05:56:00.001-05:00

Immersion

2008-12-21T04:45:00.001-05:00

A Return to Biblical Marriage

2008-12-14T02:08:00.004-05:00

I dug this up after reading about it at Daddy Pappa, and Me. Though the original article (reprinted below) was posted on the Boston Phoenix five years ago, it's quite appropriate for today. Yeah, I think I support this; if we are going to insist on Biblical marriage, let's do it up right.

BIBLICAL SENSE
Making marriage religious
BY MARY-ANN GREANIER

Since the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled last week that same-sex couples should be allowed to wed, many commentators have reiterated their belief that gay and lesbian couples should be excluded from marriage for religious reasons. But why stop there? If marriages recognized by the Commonwealth must be based on biblical principles, then it’s clear more changes to the law are needed. Below are seven suggested amendments to the Massachusetts Constitution that would bring Bay State family law in line with the Bible.

• Because Jacob and David each had more than one wife, marriage in Massachusetts shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women of his choosing (II Sam. 3:2-5; Gen. 29:17-28).

• A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is found not to be a virgin, "they shall take her to the door of her father’s house and her fellow citizens shall stone her to death" (Deut. 22:13-21). (Here, Governor Romney’s resurrection of the death penalty will come in handy.)

• As Rehoboam, David, and Solomon all possessed concubines, a married man in Massachusetts shall also have the right to keep concubines in addition to his wife or wives (I Kings 11:3; II Sam. 5:13; II Chron. 11:21).

• When Moses said, "Every one of you must put to death those of his people who have committed themselves to the Baal of Peor," he was forbidding the marriage of a believer to a nonbeliever (Gen. 24:3; Neh. 10:30).

• Christ said, "What God has united, man must not divide." Therefore, neither the Constitution nor any state law of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts shall permit divorce (Deut. 22:19; Mark 10:9-12).

• If a married man dies childless, the widow must not marry a stranger outside of the family. Instead, the dead man’s brother must marry the widow. If the brother refuses to marry the widow or refuses to give her children, the law shall fine him one sandal, and he will be forced to go about wearing one sandal for the rest of his days, and he shall be called the Unshod One of Massachusetts (Deut. 25:5-10; Gen. 38:6-10).

• If there are no acceptable men to be found in the town, a woman shall ply her father with wine and have sex with him in order to produce progeny to carry on the family name (Gen. 19:31-36).

Barack is "No Stranger to Love." I don't remember seeing this at the NRC

2008-12-10T01:34:00.004-05:00

My youngest son found this on Youtube and emailed it to me today along with something called the Mean Kitty video (that beast looks amazingly like our cat!) Now maybe I'm just biased and overly proud, but do many 12 year-olds dig up political satire on the net or is he as unique as he seems to be to me?

2008-11-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

2008-11-30T09:38:00.000-05:00

Is it OK to Be Gay... in Northern Ireland?

2008-11-29T09:44:00.002-05:00

Recently our own Vincent, co-manager of GayFatherhood was featured on the BBC One broadcast Spotlight. The topic of the thirty minute show was "Is it OK to Be Gay... in Northern Ireland?" Vince is featured in most of the first ten minutes or so of the video, so whether you know and love him like I do or are just getting to meet Vince, please enjoy.

Shame on Proposition 8 Supporters

2008-11-28T13:06:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to mention that our friends and fellow bloggers over at GuyDads have been posting various lists of supporters of Prop 8 in their area of California. I hope you'll take a look and dig into the further links they have there in case there are any businesses you wish to boycott.

I suggest not only boycotting, but contacting the businesses in question to ask them why they expect your business when they are involved in the business of taking away your rights.

Thanks, guys!

And Another Thing...

2008-11-27T11:17:00.003-05:00

How's that for an overused subject heading? Okay, the bird is in the roaster and I have sweet potatoes, smashed potatoes with manchego (sp?) cheese (thank you, Rachel Ray), baked corn, buttermilk biscuits and such to make yet. Brian baked apple and pumpkin pies; I made my cranberry orange relish and of course, mamma's famous stuffing.

So I hope you are enjoying some time with your family or friends and counting your blessings today. And you don't have to be in the U.S. to spend the day feasting and drinking up the good life; I hope you have a blessed day to be thankful for, wherever you are.

Okay, as much as I want to obsess over the RSS feed for this blog and linking it to the new home pages which are set to launch in less than a week, my sons are on their way and I have some work to do. So for today I thought I'd just pass on this clip of an added response regarding the previous post. Thanks for your kind replies, by the way.

Okay, back to basting and sipping (brandy, orange liquor and baily's in my coffee... yum!) Have a great day!

Your Friend in Fatherhood,
David, Son of Walt

I may respond just a little bit yet to what's already been said, but for now let me mention a pet peeve of mine that showed in "David's" (I still think it's cowardly to use your wife's profile to reply, not to mention confusing) response. Why is it that straight people get to have a LIFE when all I get to have is a Lifestyle.

And I wonder, which part of my life is only a style? Is it the parent teacher conferences I am going to today at my children's school? Or perhaps it's the Bible study I am attending tonight? Is it the way I cut my lawn or how we write our mortgage check? Is it perhaps the way we pay our property tax? Or maybe how I worry that I haven't called my dad lately and when can I go visit my sister. Maybe it was something about how I went to work yesterday and will go back tomorrow and earn my living, try to budget for Christmas presents and maybe a drink with friends after work.

Silly me, I just can't figure it out. I thought I had a life. But then again, maybe you straight right winged Christians just cannot keep your mind off my genitals and where they've been that you cannot seem to notice that my life is just like yours except for the way I have sex.

My Response to a Misguided Bigot

2008-11-22T22:21:00.002-05:00

First I want to say that I know of Christians who truly are godly and kind. There are too few of them, I admit. But they exist. They are far from perfect and they know it, and some of them honestly believe the same things I was taught for years, that homosexuals are bound for hell. Those truly godly people are concerned and pray for my soul. I thank them, and welcome discussion with them so that they might come to understand things differently, and know that the book is not so easily divided into black and white.

Hm... black and white. It seems that once in this nation there was a belief in dividing the world into black and white, and scripture was misused for that purpose. But even then perhaps there were those sincere few who struggled to understand. Would that more of them talked with us, and not so many of these know-it-all "culture war" church goers.

I responded to someone in a friend's myspace blog this evening. I do not believe that this person was a sincere lover of God or seeker of truth. And I don't think I need to post her response to my friend for you to understand my reply to her. I think it stands on it's own alright. And I am tired of having to justify myself to people who take no time or bother to research and learn and discern the truth for themselves.

Mark Twain is credited with saying that if Jesus were alive today, one thing he would surely not be is a "Christian." Why? Because the majority of Christians in Twain's time were as arrogant, judgmental and hypocritical as they are in this time. I have no problems with God, or with his son Jesus (who by the way never once mentions the issue of homosexuality). It's people like you who take a very small handful of scriptures out of context and clobber other people with them.

You would have me believe that to have sex with a man is an "abomination" because it says so in Leviticus. Interesting, because earlier in that same book (Leviticus 10:10-12, look it up yourself, I'm tired of doing homework for you people) it says that eating anything in the sea that has neither fins nor gills is an abomination. Yet, I don't see you guys out protesting in front of Red Lobster! Don't you get it, God Hates Shrimp, man!

Why do you eat it anyway? Because you pick and choose which scriptures are for today and which were for yesterday, and you only abide by the ones that personally make sense to you. You want to take on the other scriptures in that book that you claim have something to do with my relationship to my partner of ten years? Bring it on. I'll discuss each one in detail with you.

And while we are at it why are you trying to teach anything to us men? In the book of Timothy Paul said, "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet." So obey the Bible and shut up, especially when you do not know what you are talking about. Your profile says you are a 32 year old female.

You claim to believe the Bible as the word of God but you pick and choose what you will obey and what you don't. Praying without head coverings? Eating Pork? Teaching a Sunday School Class in which men are present? Can a woman do any of these things, you ask? Of course she can! Because these were cultural taboos, NOT moral taboos.

And that's exactly what I am saying. The plumbing may not fit, but it doesn't matter. Why not insist that since a man has a penis he has no moral right to be single? He has a dick and it is made to fit into a specific place. How DARE he go against God's will and refuse to stick it in a woman's vagina? After all we were commanded in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply. So even the apostle Paul, who remained single, was outright disobeying God's order, right?

You see, I can twist and malign the words of the good book as easily as any half-baked Christian can. You need to learn to read the book in it's cultural context and understand that the bottom line of all of it is love. I don't think you know much about love.

You certainly don't know much about being gay. I can tell you it's no choice. I tried for over a decade to choose not to be gay. But it doesn't work. I challenge you to point out to me not only the verse in the Bible that you claim exists where it says it's a choice, but also to tell me when you chose to be straight. If it was a choice for me, then it had to be a choice for you too. Tell me when was it that you woke up and thought, you know what I'm going to be attracted to the opposite sex, instead of my own.

And one last thing, Jesus wants you to learn how to spell. No, I'm not kidding. Paul said, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." Which reminds me, while you folk say "love the sinner, not the sin" you fail to see that the sin is not an act we do but a way in which we are wired, a part of our personality. And no, it's is not about perversion, it is about love, and how it is expressed. Get your mind off my genitals and keep an eye on your own, please. I think we have enough on our hands just keeping ourselves honest and pure without pointing to others.

And face it, you were not prepared. Honey, a mistake or two, a spelling error, a misplaced modifier, even the subject/object disagreement is fine now and then. It only proves that the the writer is a human being and fallible. But your writings are so full of errors, typos and horrific sentence structure that I have to point out how once again you are disobeying God's Word and not being "prepared to give an answer."

Now, please go get your own life straightened out and leave me and mine alone.

"Why Can't My Daddies Get Married?"

2008-11-20T14:01:00.002-05:00

I don't know who these guys are in the first picture there to the right in the slide show, but I love the message, so I thought I'd include them on the blog this week. This picture was part of a recent gay right-to-marry protest in NYC. The picture is from the work of photographer Sion Fulluna. You can see more of his work on Flicker here.

The other pictures struck me as so similar to hills of Northern Ireland where my beloved friends Vincent and David live, so I checked it out. It's from the Hope Bothy by Venture Scotland, a sort of conservation group as best I can tell at first glance. Though they may not specifically be gay, I like their diverse approach (from their About Us page.

The organization offers an inclusive approach to working on personal development, through a unique and successful volunteer and user-led programme.

At Venture Scotland we work to create an unequaled culture of respect, transparency, challenge and support in order to facilitate a significant 'step in the right direction' for all - participants, volunteers and staff alike.

Tomorrow I'll be posting a video recently seen on BBC One that asks the question, "Is is good to be gay in Northern Ireland." The piece among others features our own Vincent, a gentle giant of an activist (my words, not his own), and a little bit of his story.

From the Mind of a Fifteen Year Old

2008-11-13T22:10:00.002-05:00

Leaving the little country store tonight, with our bag of fried chicken in hand, his ear phones draped down from the sides of his Zack Efron hair, I turn and notice a far away, serious look in his eyes.

Me: (Concerned) What are you thinking?

Him: (With barely a hesitation) Who would win in a fight, Sheryl Crow or Celine Dion?

Me: (Raised eyebrows turned in toward each other)

Him: Well, if you don't want to know don't ask!

Me: (After a moment) Sheryl Crow. Definitely Sheryl Crow. (Long pause in the car). But then I bet that Celine has some serious claws and could be really vicious in a cat fight.

Him: Yeah.

That's right folks, my sons and I are not afraid to talk about the deep stuff.

2008-10-07T13:17:00.004-05:00

We had a small but cheery group in the chat room today. Thanks to those of you who joined in, Billy, John and UKC.

We're looking forward to seeing more of ya'll next week. I'll post times.

Hope you're all having a great Tuesday!

David

GayFatherhood.com Welcomes Clay Aiken

2008-09-25T22:59:00.003-05:00

Okay, so he hasn't exactly applied for membership to our community yet, but he has joined the ranks of out gay dads. And while we may not be surprised about his coming out (though I personally knew nothing about his foray into fatherhood before now; I'm just not up on celebrity news), and regardless of whether or not you are a fan, you've got to have some respect for him for saying this:

"I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn't raised that way, and I'm not going to raise a child to do that..."

'Atta boy, Clay. Integrity is what it's all about. We can't raise them to be honest and true to themselves if we cannot be also. And so while I never watched the season of American Idol on which you were the winner, and I couldn't name one song you've sung since, I applaud you for your honesty in the face of what may be said by some of those "born again" fans and family members.

Best wishes to you and your family, Clay.

For the rest of the story, go to People.com

For more about Gay Fathers in general and to meet some of the best dads on earth go to GayFatherhood.com

Signing up for School Clubs

2008-09-11T13:27:00.002-05:00

Jonathan (15) wanted to sign up for Genius Club, until he discovered that it was actually a religious group called Genesis Club.

Cracked me up.

If Life Were a Beach...

2008-07-22T13:25:00.001-05:00

The Beach was O.K.

Well, it was way better than O.K. and the company was good.

We met the King of the Surf:

And enjoyed a lovely sunset.

Played frizbee in the dark...

Got lost at sea on a "Three Hour Tour..."

And came home without feeling too crabby (yes, that's a little crab the Monkey is holding).

And we can't wait to go again!

Dancing, Groceries, Birthday Cards and the "Semi-Christ"

2008-03-07T01:35:00.001-05:00

Oh, the work hours lately. I guess I shouldn't complain, since the folks I'm working with have been working short-staffed for some time before I came along. But they barely got me trained before one of our managers went in for back surgery! So they are still working six days a week and very long days. And now I'm in it with them. I had it soooo easy at the other restaurant in comparison. But at least there is little or no personal stress between staff members at the new place.

That first paragraph is by way of explanation of my recent absence and a thanks for your patience. I cringe when I find myself writing the tired old post that starts with, "Sorry I haven't updated in a while!"

So today these three guys and I,

after I spent way too much money and time trying to save a penny or two on groceries, and then completely misplacing some birthday cards I bought, went to visit this guy (the silver-haired handsome one who coincidentally looks a lot like me):

to which him a happy 75th birthday. His actual birthday was three days ago on March 3rd (which made it almost a compliment when Jonathan told him he didn't look a day over 75). Yes, folks, 3/3/33' that's the magic date, and the reason why we call him the Semi-Christ. Interesting pseudonym for a former baptist missionary. But I suppose I'm not your everyday former theology student either.

We had a wonderful time, and ate grandma out of house and home. Josiah and his brothers razzed me about leaving and forgetting to take Dad's birthday cards. We had to stop in this tiny little town and find some new ones at this tiny country store where the poor guy in front of me in line had to keep asking to put another article back on the shelf since he didn't have enough money. Makes me see my own budget crunch in a better light.

Micah was hyper today and kept telling the punch lines to jokes totally out of context, which cracked his confused grandparents up repeatedly. When Esther asked him what he was talking about once, he replied quoting my previous admonishment, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm telling jokes out of context again!"

Oh, and he got in trouble today in school. For dancing at lunch. Yes. Dancing.

I am pleased. It could have been drugs or violence, right? I can handle a discipline report over dancing at lunch. Hell, I was always too depressed at lunch to even tap a toe. So they must be feeding him well.

Looking at Dad and how happy and healthy he is out on that farm with his cows and freezer full of venison, looking at the guy buying bread and milk in the country store, and reading about the serious infraction in the lunch room... Well, it's no wonder I am sitting back tonight, soaking my feet, sipping a little brandy and thinking about how sometimes it's all about perspective.

Weekend Chats

2008-02-29T02:16:00.002-05:00

Join us, won't you? We'll be having a couple of Chats this weekend in our Chat Room. I'll be hosting Friday night, February 29th at 9 PM and Handsome will be hosting Saturday at a time yet to be announced.

Please Join us! And come visit the whole group of us at GayFatherhood.com!

2008-02-17T04:07:00.000-05:00

2008-02-11T05:01:00.000-05:00

2008-02-08T18:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, not nearly often enough, I write letters to my boys which I keep in journals for them to read when they are older. Recently we delved into the letters from before my oldest son's birth for a genealogy project he had at school. He seemed pretty impressed that he had letters from when he was in the womb.

I wish I had as many of the younger two from those days, but you know how that goes, unfortunately. I'm trying to make up for time now though.

Here is my most recent letter to Micah, written this afternoon about some events at school yesterday.
...............................................

Dear Micah,

I already told you, and you smiled and understood, but it helps me to write that I am sorry. I over-reacted, and probably made things worse. I was of course upset, and you know the reasons. To be honest, it pains me to see your mother cry, and she was very worried about you. I know that you know we had to discipline you, and that you'll serve your little sentence knowing that it was just. I don't want to diminish that part of it, because it had to be done. As I said, we couldn't be good parents and love you like we do without making you accountable for your actions. And while I believe you didn't mean to hurt anyone or cause such a ruckus, I know that you understand the actions we took. Thank you for taking it with grace.

For my part, I just want you to know that I regret verbally pushing you so hard. What was the point of my sitting there for so long on the edge of your bed, expecting you to explain yourself when you, like so many of us adults who have done something thoughtless, could offer no acceptable explanation anyway? I want you to know that I've been in your shoes, and while my own father had dealt more harshly in a physical sense, I do not want to make you feel like less of a person for screwing up. The thing is, as we told you, you are a good boy, better than the actions you took yesterday, but you know this.

I was glad that before I left I was able to whisper to you and let you know that I understood that you would do your time and that would be the end of it. So why am I bringing it up now? At first I thought that I should just let this go, and not set the memory in ink, but let it dissolve into forgetfulness. But then I thought, if I did I wouldn't get to tell you this-- how your oldest brother and I talked in the car about how dads sometimes make mistakes, or react too quickly or loudly. Sometimes I say some wise things that even surprise me, and sometimes my decisions are just and quick. But you will find, super dad though you will want to be, you'll still be human when you are a father. And while that's tough to take, especially when your goal is to be the best dad your child could want or need, I hope you will remember this little letter, and not be too hard on yourself.

I saw it in your smile when we said goodbye, that there was no loss of love between us and you understood that not only what you did wrong and how to correct it, but that your father thought no less of you for being human. After all, he's obviously imperfect too, isn't he?

And Micah, thanks for making it right, especially with that apology letter you wrote. Sometimes, even when what you did was not so unusual or even on purpose, sometimes it's the right thing to do. Your a big man, little guy.

I love you more than life,
Always, Dad

A Message of Hope to Separated Parents

2008-01-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week

Said by my seventeen year old son on the phone the other night when both his mother (unheard by me in the background) and I were telling him the exact same thing:

"Why can't you two be like normal parents and disagree on things now and then?"

It's also something of a feeling of "We've arrived" for me. Just over a decade ago when their mother and I split up, my biggest fear beyond the break up impeding my chances to be with my sons, was that they might suffer in the wake of our disagreements.

I guess we've done alright.

New Updates at GF!

2008-01-24T08:09:00.000-05:00

Greetings, Men. I hope your 2008 has gotten off to a great start. The first of this month marked six years since the original Gay Fatherhood group began on MSN. Soon it became a global community and more recently it has moved from msn to its own add free site, using Grouppee/eve forums.

I was told that the online groups were a thing of the past, but I see that while they lagged a bit at the oncoming of blog popularity, oneline communities seem to be on the rise again, and we are hoping to effectively integrate the two between GayFatherhood.com and its members blogs, as well as this one.

One great improvement in the world of group forums is that they've loosened up "security" measures enough to allow for the posting of html within the forums, thereby bringing them up to date with the blogging world. Click Here to see what else is new.

And if you are a gay dad, grand dad or aspiring father, please join us. And if you can help defray the operating costs by making a small donation of five bucks on the Home Page, that would be marvelous. If you can't, please don't let that keep you from joining the most splendid group of men you'll find in cyber space at GayFatherhood.com

Ghost of Christmas Presents Past

2007-12-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

Look at that face!

High School Never Ends?

2007-08-29T10:36:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm posting this on our blog, but the runt of our litter, eleven-year-old Micah, created a video with Windows Movie Maker to the song by Bowling for Soup, "High School Never Ends," and damn I think it's good.

I'm personally not into WWE, but hey, when the kids like it and want to talk about it, want to share with dad what they are into, we're idiots not to at least attempt to feign an interest. I'll be honest, some of it worries me a bit-- the steroids, the deaths, the stuff you barely hear about. All the more reason to look into it and make sure my sons' interests don't lead them into trouble. Right?

Actually, the boys have great heads on their shoulders. As Micah told me when I was warning him against giving out any personal info online, they're "not stupid."

"I know you're not, honey, but I'm your dad and I'm supposed to say this stuff." I'd rather discuss more with them than they want to hear than make an assumption that could endanger them.

Okay, I'm veering into a post for another time, about online safety and keeping our kids smart and secure, but for now, I just want to share with you his clip. If you or your kids are into what was once known as "professional wrestling" or even the great music by Bowling for Soup (some occasional language makes the dad in me wince, but really, the music my boys listen to is some of the best and cleanest stuff out there. Sounds like another upcoming post to work on...)

We worked all afternoon the other day trying to get this movie file converted to AVI or WMV so that he could upload it to the net, but after I left, he figured it out for himself. Kids have this frighteningly delightful way of surpassing us on their own, don't they? I guess that's part of our job-- overseeing their leaps beyond us.

I think the way he has the right pics and clips at just the right part of the song is pretty slick...

WWE highschool never ends
Uploaded by jojovonjo

Brokeback Cop?

2007-08-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ever watch the show Cold Case? I love the lady cop, though I can never remember he name, since I really don't watch it that much. Sometimes though I get caught up in an episode on a slow evening relaxing with my man after dinner. The episode "Forever Blue" really got to me the other night. Of course, the Byrds and Bob Dylan helped (see video below). It wasn't that long ago that we had to be careful. Still, sometimes we are at risk, just being honest. But Coop kept saying to his parter, "We're the lucky ones." And he was right.

Here are the clips:

Getting the Word Out

2007-08-16T22:46:00.000-05:00

Just trying to get us a little more blog traffic here. Let's see if this helps...
Here is my Technorati Profile.

Happy Birthday, Mad Dawg!

2007-08-14T10:52:00.001-05:00

Thanks for being such an awesome human bean!

A Response

2007-08-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

The following is today's response, which will probably be deleted, to a blog I shouldn't have wasted time with anyway:

Fisting and felching are not what I'm into. Just as hetero bondage and S&M may not be what you are into. Don't buy into all the hype and paranoia.

But get real, if you are going to cite the "the Good Book," keep in mind that the same passages you mention from Leviticus also denounce eating any creature from the sea without fins or gills as an "abomination." So why don't these Christians boycott Red Lobster? Just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it evil.

I don't want to shove anything down anyone's throat (pun intended), but I don't want to lose my job again over my sexual orientation. Nor should it be any harder for me than for you to inherit what my partner and I have built when he dies.

After all, what threat are we to straight marriage? You don't need us to sabotage that institution. The straight divorce rate has been skyrocketing just fine without our help.

One Day of Summer Vacation:

2007-07-30T11:35:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking we had too much time on our hands this weekend...

On Father's Day: A Dad, his Ex Wife and his BF, and the Children who Love Them

2007-06-27T15:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

I hope you enjoyed Father's Day this year. I cannot tell you how I did, but I'll try.

I had naively hoped for something like this once upon a time, for a life in which my former wife and male life partner would get along in harmony while surrounded by happy children who knew that, despite their family's non-traditionalism, knew the love of both parents and not only survived but thrived.

Then again, perhaps I was not so naive. Perhaps it was a valid hope and a reasonable goal, despite the church's rhetoric, in spite of my family's failure to understand. Because, pretty much this is what has happened.

I had to work on Father's Day this year, as I often do. But at 3:30 I left the restaurant and headed for home. Gin was already driving south with the boys and Brian was driving toward the campsite to get the boat ready. Everything was in motion as natural as the movement of the stars.

We enjoyed hot dogs and burgers on the grill and some ultra silly conversation around the table, followed by a boat ride with Captain Bri and the boys. No Thunderstorms interrupted the inner tubing that ensued on the Susquehanna that afternoon. No storms at all, not even an emotional cloud over anyone's head. Brian and Gin chatted away about work and friends. The boys enjoyed the sun while I just bathed my tired self in the presence of these five precious people and mused on how lucky I was to have come so far with this odd ball family that seems to astound doctors, teachers and family members alike.

But was it truly luck? I guess not. I worked hard for years. I was smart while being stupid. I knew I was attracted to men, but I at least knew enough to marry a good woman, one who knew that her children would be far more important than any difference between her and me. I also worked hard in that relationship after its separation to ensure that our boys saw only two parents who loved them above all else and refused to use them as weapons to hurt the other. I took some blame for things that were not my fault simply because the history books would not be so important to me as the feelings in the hearts of those three boys and the memory of a dad who treated their mother with respect and insisted that they do the same.

It's true. You cannot control another human's actions, but you can make great efforts, as the old book says to "as far as it be possible with you, live at peace with all men," or in this case, with one woman who had the misfortune to marry a man with a secret that he couldn't even reveal to himself. She's a good person and maybe that is my only luck. But we've worked hard to be good parents and to be good to each other for their sake when we couldn't do it for our own. Now we can do it for all of us, simply because it's right and natural.

I've heard so many horror stories of other men who were not so fortunate, and I've been through some haunted, horrendous moments in my own story, involving hospitals and courts and angry relatives, but ultimately perhaps you really do reap what you sow. Lord knows both of us tried to do our best.

And that Father's Day afternoon and evening with my family on the river was actually a dream come true that both of us had prayed and bled and prayed for. Maybe it took a decade to do it. But when I looked at the faces of our sons and felt the air of complete honesty and comfort of the five of us that day, I knew it was worth it, that we had made the best decisions we could have made when the time came to make them, and that for all of that, our world was a better place. Maybe not the one we once dreamed of, but an honest one. A good one.

I hope your Father's Day brought some good to your soul.

Love,
David, father of three, grateful and loved by more than I thought possible

Boy with two Fathers

2007-06-16T06:01:00.001-05:00

Mel White and Soul Force

2007-05-29T14:05:00.000-05:00

This is a little bit after the fact, I know. But after the dust has settled this interview of Mel White with Anderson Cooper about Jerry Falwell's influence on the US and it's view of homosexuality is worth watching again.

Proud Father Moment #8476 (stole that title from Smokey)

2007-05-11T23:19:00.000-05:00

Or is it #8477? Oh, heck! I've lost count. Well, if you read here at all you already know that I have the three most amazing sons on earth. Micah, the comedian and story teller, Jonathan, the easy-going jokester and future engineer. And then there is my oldest boy, Josiah. My first born. I do not honestly think I have a favorite, but this entry is about him.

How is it possible that I have raised such a well rounded and smart kid? As if I can take any credit for him. Yes, he's human. He has his share of screw ups, just like his old man. In fact, that's one. He sometimes calls me "the old man." Ah hem... He also has a temper sometimes (again, like his old man), especially when his two younger brothers get on his nerves or when he cannot seem to get the whatcha-ma-call-it connected to the thingy-bobber in order to get the online cable to work.

Yet, he is overall just such a good good, sweet kid. He reads to his younger brother. Has great patience with the middle one. He helps them with their homework, defends them no matter what. He loves sports, and while he's itching to be a starter, his coaches love him because he does exactly what they ask him to. He plays basketball and recently changed from soccer to football because he's a formidable guard. He's already taller and broader than I am.

He's also an A student and was recently in the local paper for being one of the local football players who hit the honor roll. He's interested in taking guitar lessons. He's active in his church youth group and in the school chorus and theater (thank god, he's had little interest in romance up to now!).

And this week he auditioned with the Missoula Children's Theatre tour that was coming locally. He landed the part of the King of the Land Above and will apparently be in "every other scene" when I go to see him on stage tomorrow night.

Missoula is a whirlwind tour with auditions on Monday and practices every night until the shows on Saturday. So I had to rearrange my schedule and should be in bed already since I have to be into work at 6:30 in order to be there for the evening show.

Yeah, I'm proud of all three of my boys, and I am glad for what part I played in bringing this wonderful, loving kid into the world.

I love you, and I'm proud of you, Jo.

Journey Towards Honesty

2007-05-08T13:01:00.000-05:00

Guys, I found this old post this morning from the original MSN site. It was posted three and a half years ago, but it is so appropriate for how I am feeling right now. With one difference; I think I do want to be a bit more pushy. Smokey and I were talking yesterday and I feel like I have/GF has maybe lost a little of its passion and excitement for me because we have not focused as much on our original mission... or the mission we "grew into."

I don't want to advocate a double life. I've been there and I know first hand what a depressing dead end lie it is and while many of us needed to go through that time, to stay there long-term does nothing for our integrity and the example we should be setting for our children.

I don't want GF to settle for just being a hang out for gay men who happen to be children. I want it to be a community of men who are fathers and just happen to be gay-- fathers who put their children first. And putting them first does not mean living a long-term lie. It means being brave and honest, the kind of dads we would want to have.

Believe me, it's not easy not having them under my roof every night, but at least I can sleep better knowing that I've set a good example and tried to be honorable and do right by their mother, showing her the respect she deserves.

Okay, here's the post, unedited from three years ago. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

quote:
Guys, you have summed up what I have been thinking about privately for some time, and talking about recently with Smokey and Vince. As you said, Scotty, I can respect the circumstances of being in the closet, after all we were once there. But because of the nature of our site; a site not just for fathers who happen to be gay, but for gay men who want to be the best parents they can be, we are about growth. And if there is no growth, no move towards honesty, no struggle toward living a better life... then well, in that case our group would just be another "hang out" for men in who happen to be living in the same situation as we are. But we have always been more than that, and I get the idea that I am not the only one who wants GF to be something more meaningful than just a flop house. Though, I'm all for flopping when we can, as Woofy says, with a bear around the fire.

Ultimately, and especially as this site has grown over the year and a half of its existence, we are about, not just tolerance and compassion, but also about honesty and integrity. It's there in our "words to live by" on the Guidelines page. And I think the philosophy stands out throughout the site. But I was already talking with Smokey yesterday about the possibility of just stating it a little more clearly on the home page with our member requirements and purpose. Not that we would want to be pushy, knowing that individual situations must be judged individually. But, damn it, I had some dear friends who loved me enough to be honest with me seven years ago, and I cannot thank them enough for pushing me just enough to help me grow and come out of the darkness. No, it's not easy, but it is better, less burdensome and more honest, and therefore better for my children.

And guess what? There is still room for growth. Just ask anyone who knows me. "Journey into honesty" what more healthy steps can anyone take, and that's what we are about, right? Healthy men and healthy families. God, I love you guys.

David

GayFatherhood.com Turns Five

2007-01-30T23:53:00.000-05:00

We are five years old now at the Gay Fatherhood group.

And we want you to come and join us.

Boys, Bears and Bows

2007-01-09T09:35:00.000-05:00

...A much overdue Christmas update.
I hope your holiday was wonderful and that it included some memory making time with your children. That's two of my little Santa's Helpers on the sofa, the ten year old being cute as ever while the 13 year old keeping up his status quo as "bored" no matter the season.

Our tree was a six foot blue spruce, but it was dwarfed by their growing bodies, especially, Mr. I'm Sixteen Now, who towers over me like... Well, like most anyone does. What can I say, his father is a mere 5'6", where he got the American Football gene is beyond me.

This was the first year since the break up nearly a decade ago that I have had them on Christmas Eve. Normally, I would pick them up on Christmas Day. After they had had time to open presents and play a bit at their mother's house I would pick them up and tell them that Santa came to dad's house too. I didn't mind missing out on Christmas Eve that much, really. Truth be told, I knew how hard it was not to have them under my roof, and most of this time I have had someone to spend the evening with. I thought I was big hearted, letting their mother keep them, instead of being alone. So humble and thoughtful, right?

Alas, my own arrogance escapes me most of the time. This year, when her mother's Christmas Eve Celebration was scheduled for a later time, I jumped at her offer to keep the boys. It meant that I would have to be quick; normally I finish wrapping gifts by 3:00 AM Christmas morning. We hid their presents in the dark room, a feature of this house that we never really use, and it was fun waking up before dawn and sneaking about before they awoke.

I got to pick them up on the 23rd when we had Christmas at my Father's farm. Then the 24th all to ourselves, including a "traditional" Italian Christmas Eve dinner of shrimp and pasta and stuffed clams (note: if you have any fear of msg allergies, don't get the frozen stuffed clams... ugh... I was blotchy and red the rest of the night!) and then a drive around town to see the lights.

Christmas breakfast was pretty much non-existent, though I had planned on the fruit muffins from the basket my boss gave to me. I think we scarffed cookies in passing. Dinner was a first for us: Christmas Goose. No, it's not greasy, not if you cook it right, and please, just don't eat the skin. The one thing to remember when serving a 13.5 pound goose (aside from the excessive price per pound after being told that the bird I ordered would be 10 to 11 lb) is that the largest part of the bird is the cavity. Yes. The cavity. After all, that's how they float, I suppose. Still it was lovely.

The opening of the presents was a delight, as usual, except that I was sleepy from being up early and my partner, Brian was ill and quiet, choosing to run the camcorder in the corner of the living room, and keep out of the way as much as possible. He is a hardware store man, and we were going to send him on a scavenger hunt for the tools he'd asked for. Instead we had mercy on his sick soul and just sent Josiah to the tool bench for the air compressor. Though I couldn't tell at the time from his death blank stare, he later insisted he was both surprised and happy. I wasn't sure what to get my boys this year. They never say what they want, but we must have done well, with all the "awesome"s, "sweet!"s and "Cool!"s we heard. Contented sigh...

The tough part was taking them home. I hadn't realized how empty her house would feel, how quickly we would have to gather "what we want to take to mom's" and exit before dinner had a chance to even settle in our bellies. Luckily the goose on the road remained in our stomachs; it's nearly an hour drive to their mother's.

There presents waited under their mother's tree, and grandparents were on the way. I thought I might stay for a few minutes, but then, this was their time with her family, and still, after many years, there is awkwardness. I doubt it has anything to do with gay issues anymore. V and I have become mostly good friends, better than I had expected, nearly as good as I had dared to hope. I suppose it would be the same for her parents, no matter the reasons for divorce. In their eyes I'm the jerk who hurt their little girl.

Despite our hurdles, the boys have done well. They don't seem to mind multiple Christmases, especially since they usually get a few days with each of us. We know we did the right thing, but inwardly the right thing isn't always the easiest. Staying together and living a lie "for the kids' sake" would have been a cowardly and unfair thing to do. Children are like little emotional barometers. They knew things were not right between their mother and I back then, even though we tried to hide it. Our hope is that in living honestly we have passed on something valuable about life and courage to our boys, something about integrity. Still, the sweet sad feeling of the drive home alone is hard to ignore. But better that then the tainted gift of their living with tormented parents.

mmm... I think I just got preachy (remember that arrogance comment?). I beg pardon. I just want to be honest. I guess the truth is that we as parents don't always have the luxury of choosing between black and white, it's tougher, but better when we choose what's best for our children, instead of some guilt induced sense of the traditional idea of what's right.

To cheer me up next day Brian was in the dining room fixing up broken lighted animals that were throw-aways from the hardware store. We took them to the lawn of a good friend who has a love for "bears." Ahem... And let them frolic with his lone buck between the bushes. Unfortunately we were caught as he arrived home from his parents, just as we were lighting up his front yard. We tried to run, but he saw our dancing and prancing and had us blocked in his driveway, cowering behind the hood of the Explorer. "What are you two doing?" he asked. "And what's my deer doing to that bear!?"

I hope you found ways to make the Yultide Gay this year. And may 2007 be bright for you and yours.

Okay, Let's Talk about Haggard

2006-11-11T22:41:00.000-05:00

I've avoided saying too much about this guy so far, but this is honestly the best commentary on this man I've seen.

Let me preface this by saying that I once was like Tedd. Well, actually I didn't have the money and political power that he had, but I was in hiding. I believed what I had been taught all my life, that my secret desires were sinful. I hoped that if I got married, had my needs met in the "right" way, that this longing to be loved by a man (because face it, it's not just about sex, but about personality and every human's need to love and be loved), with enough prayer and help from God, would go away.

But it didn't. I hate to take glory in his fall, but this man must have had some clue what he was setting himself up for. Ah well, the ones I feel bad for, the ones I wish wouldn't read the news or listen to the TV right now, are his children; not because their father might have the devil inside him for practicing homosexuality, but because their father has, like many men before him, dug his own grave with the shovel of hypocrisy, thus shaming himself and embarrassing his kids.

How much better would it have been for the man to listen to his conscience and either, at best come out, or (god forgive me for even saying this) at worst, hide deeper, rather than to publicly bash homosexuality and fight against gay rights with such a loud voice. In the end it only shows how deeply the man must hate his own soul.

And for that, I feel sorry for him and his children. What kind of example has he set for them?

Okay, now let's watch the clip from the Daily Show, which is both funny and, in the end, truthful in the chiding of the former pastor's decisions.

2006-11-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

Less than two hours away!

I forgot to send out announcements yesterday, but if you can be there, be there between 11:00 and 12 noon this morning EDT (New York time). That's 8 AM on the West Coast and five PM if you are in Paris. 4 PM for our friends in the UK and 3 PM Wednesday if you live Down Under! For your time, check out this world time Map ... I might link to this rather than the old time zone link...

Oh, and we don't have the chat schedule totally firm yet for the rest of the week yet-- I know, I know, what am I waiting for, it's Tuesday already! Eeek...

Childish Fears?

2006-11-07T00:51:00.000-05:00

There are no silly fears. If you're afraid of something, it's real, and it affects your thinking and performance no matter how invalid or valid someone else thinks it is. It's like there's no minor pain when it's yours. If it hurts, it hurts. What you've got to do is figure out how to deal with it, not use up your energies trying to decide if it's real or not.

-William Phule

Join other gay dads at gayfatherhood.com, a parenting site with resources and support by and for fathers.

2006-11-02T00:47:00.000-05:00

A bright spot of hope, perhaps. I am not sure if this is in Belgium or the Netherlands. May this spirit come to the rest of the world too...

CLICK HERE

A Little History

2006-10-23T13:14:00.000-05:00

I am working on creating more awareness of our online community for gay dads. It's called GayFatherhood.com and its members are some of the most beautiful people on this planet. How did we get to be such a global group of gay fathers and where are we headed in the future? These are some questions on my mind this morning.

While thinking about this, I am contacting other webmasters via email about us. The web has come a long way in the last five years. The blog craze was not yet born and it was tough to find other gay parents, let alone resources and quality information about being a gay dad.

Here is a bit of the history from one of those emails:

I am writing to ask you a favor. I am working on an upgrade to my web community for gay fathers. I don't know if you have been to it or not, but it's called GayFatherhood.com. It originated almost five years ago as an MSN group when I was searching the net for gay dad sites. I was thinking, gee it would have been helpful if I had had some sort of support network when I had come out and gotten divorced, and embarked on a new and somewhat scarey path. I felt so very alone ten years ago, like there were no dads like me out there. But by this time I knew better and I wondered if there were any online communities for guys lik me. So I looked to see if there were actually any sites like that.

I found next to nothing. Most of my searches (remember this was half a decade ago) for gay dads elicited sites for "daddies looking for sons" and "younger for older" and other "daddies" porn and personals. It was disappointing to say the least. There were a few, very few, communities for gay dads. Most were either long inactive or were for a specific geographic region. I think Gay Dads of Greater Boston was around back then. If there were any other quality web pages for gay fathers, I couldn't find them.

So in the midst of a void of good sites for gay fathers, I decided to create my own. I wanted to create the exact kind of site that would have been helpful to me were I still in the closet, or just coming out and needing the support and encouragement of like-minded men (God, it seemed so many of the gay men I knew got a frightened or confused look in their eyes when I said I was a dad, or talked about how vital being a father was in my life).

And on that early January night in 2002, at my computer screen by my bed was born the msn group that evolved into GayFatherhood.com. What amazes me now is that I didn't think I really needed such a "support group" myself. I just thought I was doing a good thing for other dads like me. How arrogant and silly of me! I found out that I craved contact with other good men to whom parenting was most important in their lives, and yes, who happened to also be gay and therefore faced some of the same challenges and issues that I had.

Through this group, I rekindled an old local acquaintance who soon became a sort of mentor and father figure to me. Unfortunately Dennis passed away a couple of years ago, but because of the group I was able to re-connect with him and be there at his bedside the very day that cancer finally took his life.

I also met Keith, who became such a dear and close friend and discovered that he only lives two hours to the south of me. We have met several times since, and I have plagued him with pictures of my boys and he me with dance videos of his beautiful daughter. I consider him a brother, closer than any of my blood relatives.

The other brother I have met through this lives in Northern Ireland with his partner and son. And my oldest son, my partner and I just recently got back from visiting them in their home for the first time. Yet this is the fourth year that our families have spent vacations together! I never could have imagined this, a soul-mate and friend, half a world away becoming such a vital part of my family and daily life.

For so long, to many of us, Gay Fatherhood has been much more than a an online community. It's real people, real dads, via adoption or previous marriage, even by surrogacy. And it's a haven for us as well as a playground online.

Since last year when we moved to our own site (advert-free so far), I've had a busy year. Two minor, but annoying operations, a move to a new home, new job... so I'm getting back into promoting and updating the web group that has so enriched my own life because of the beautiful people who have become involved in it.

Forgive this long letter, but I want to ask if you'll help me promote the site somehow. Perhaps put a link to us on your blog, maybe a post about GayFatherhood.com, whatever you feel you'd like to do to help get the word out that there is a place like this online, where dads can meet. Maybe you'd even like to join. It's free, of course and we'd love to hear from you.

I will be adding your page to our upgraded and reconstructed link pages soon. Thanks for indulging me by considering this. Whatever you feel you want to do would be appreciated. Thanks again!

Yours,
David
Founding Manager of GayFatherhood.com

Fake Gay News!

2006-10-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, you've got to check out Fake Gay News, "Because real gay news is just too damned depressing."

Teen Emotion... Something to respect.

2006-10-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

I am counting on the fact, hoping against hope that my 15-year-old, internet savvy son is not interested in reading the gay dad blog. Oh, dear, I hope so, because out of concern for him and others who are in similarly choppy waters, I am posting something that will likely embarass him a bit.

Understand, he's a wonderful kid, intelligent, athletic, but most importantly, good hearted. I am very proud of him. He was a very polite young gentleman world traveler recently on our trip to visit fellow Gay Father Vincent and his family in Northern Ireland. But with two younger brothers and a single mom at home, life I am sure gets a little stressful for him. I worry. Sometimes he doesn't smile like he used to. He doesn't seem depressed exactly, but moody, sometimes quite moody.

He blew up at his mother the other day while she was talking to me on the phone about something small and insignificant, really. But he felt like he was being put in the spot-light. I got him on the phone and had to calm him down and insist that he does not speak to his mother in that tone, no matter how annoyed he is.

Well, my dear friend Keith (Smokey) and I chatted about his experiences with his daughter and I found the talk helpful, and emailed it to Gin (the former wife) who discussed it at great length with me last night. I am not providing answers here, just opening the door for discussion...

Gin, I was just chatting with Keith about Josiah's outburst this morning. I don't want to make a big deal of it, but I'm trying to understand how to get through it. If nothing else, you might feel less alone when you read this. :-) But under no circumstances should you let Josiah read this. He is a great kid and maybe we just need to let him know that more, like saying those things in front of each other. It's hard understanding the teenage alien, I know. At least it is for me, but I can remember my interactions with my mom, and much of this sounds familiar.

Did Susan unintentionally embarass Jesse over and over and over again about the littlest things when she was in her mid-teens?

Smokey says:

are you kidding? she still does it...

David says:

Because Josiah gets very touchy about his mom. Apparently I don't embarass him that way often, because it's rare that I get that reaction from him... or maybe it's just that he's around me less.

David says:

lol

David says:

Well, he just kind of blew up and I had to calm him down on the phone because he feels that all she ever does on the phone with me is tell me how stupid they (he and his brothers) are.

Smokey says:

well, that's a teen thing too, bro... everything is a slight whether it was remotely meant to be or not...

Smokey says:

hee hee... and maybe Gin should complain out of earshot of the boys....

David says:

exactly

David says:

and she wasn't really complaining... just telling me what they were fueding about

David says:

but, yeah, I'm thinking she and I need a talk in which I ask her to brag about the boys a bit more when she talks to me, instead of telling me everything they have fought about or whatever. lol... I know, it's not a big deal, but for the moment it seems so to him

Smokey says:

yes, that would be a good thing... though I'm sure she's run ragged with three boys.. lol...

David says:

yeah, she's mostly calm these days though

Smokey says:

well, that's good.... I know my mom and older brother's relationship was the rockiest of the three as we went through our teen years...

David says:

Yeah, and he feels like he has to be something of a "man of the house," but then of course is placed back in the category of "children" in her eyes... if you follow that

Smokey says:

sure do

Smokey says:

and I'm sure he has his share of the teenage attitude that he knows everything and all adults are stupid... lol...

David says:

Yeah, to an extent. Though it seems like more of a frustration of... why don't they understand how they are upsetting me? And that makes what he's upset about more upsetting... and it's just a spiral.

Smokey says:

and in our house that led to Jesse going in to her room, slamming the door and sulking....

David says:

yuppers

David says:

except he often seems to feel a need for a huge masculine display of his anger, and then be TOLD to go to his room. lol

David says:

Sigh... I remember doing that myself.

Smokey says:

I tried to avoid that.... saw how much it hurt my mom when Kenny did it...

David says:

And I think he sees that too... which adds to the spiral effect... 1. He gets angry.

David says:

2. one of us embarasses him about it. 3. This makes him more angry. 4. He lashes out. 5. He sees that he's upsetting people. 6 This makes him upset at himself. 7. One of us corrects him. 8. Which makes him feel more embarassed and stupid... until he has no words to say and either sits down and sulks quiety, maybe even cry... or go to his room, often because he was told to.

David says:

Very confusing, but I think that's something like what happens.

Smokey says:

yeah, pretty much.... I do recall that when I lost my temper with mom or dad it was generally because they were right and I realized I'd screwed up...

David says:

yeah, that's definately where he starts stuttering for words. I may forward this to Gin, just so she knows she's not alone. I'll just tell her not to let Jo read it under any circumstances!

David says:

lol

Smokey says:

dear god, no!!!

Gay Dads Meet Again! (Back from Ireland!)

2006-10-05T12:14:00.000-05:00

My partner Brian, my oldest son, Josiah and I had a wonderful and relaxing ten days in Northern Ireland with Vince and his family, his partner, David (yes, another David!) and son Conor.

At least it was relaxing for us. I don't know about for David and Vince who took great care of us and carted us all over the place to see the sites.

For a pic of our families together check out GF's recently update home page. We'll be posting more pics and links soon.

Meanwhile there are lots of plans for GF in store, as the managers and key players have been discussing for weeks before my holiday. I'll let you in on more of that shortly. We want to be a global community for gay fathers. If you know a gay dad would you please point him in our direction? There are not enough quality places for gay parents to meet these days, though I confess there are more than there were when we first started back on msn four years ago. But even now we find guys who didn't know that there was a place online for men who the most important thing in their lives is parenting.

But among other things, we wish to get a weekly chat schedule board posted again.

Also, make sure you take time to respond to the "Where in the world are you" thread on the getting to know you forum.

See you around the house! Coime visit us at GayFatherhood.com

Ninth Grade

2006-08-30T11:05:00.000-05:00

Posted today on Gay Fatherhood.

Do you remember ninth grade?

I barely do. Back then... oh, about 24 years ago for me, 9th grade was the top of Junior High. That was back before we had middle schools around here. Now ninth is officially the start of high school. No more of this Junior and Senior High stuff. As a matter of fact, the high school that I attended no longer exists, but has been combined with two other local rivals to become one big new place.

While it's just a touch sad to see the old building go to pot (although it seems there was a lot of pot back then that I missed out on), my nostalgic feelings this week are not about my by-gone high school days. Nah, I hated high school. The good memories I have are more like treasured moments with comrades in prison camp. The experience itself was not beautiful, but there was beauty in those of us who helped each other survive that hell.

No, my deep sigh today is in thinking that the baby I held in my arms 15 years ago, who stopped crying the moment he heard my voice beside him, whose solid weight I can still feel in my arms, has gone off this past Monday to his first day of high school. I only hope that for him it is a better experience, and perhaps it is. This year he set aside soccer for football, deciding that he has more of a linebacker body (where did THOSE genes come from). And I feel today the way I felt this summer when I dropped him off at football camp, watching my boy walk across that feild with those calves that could kill. It's amazing to watch my child grow up, but I cannot help but feel a sweet melancholy about the tiny tot he once was.

I'm very proud of my son, of all three of them. So Josiah is off to high school. Jonathan is "bored" already with year two of middle school, and Micah, well Micah says it was just another day like last year. He seems to be taking on that easy-going attitude that his big brothers have always had. Perhaps I've done alright at teaching the priorities in life, and hopefully that will make their days ahead a little less traumatic for them. I know, I know... they will face their own dramas and traumas. I am simply grateful for my peripheral role in helping along the natural process for these three amazing young men.

And in less than two weeks, Josiah and I will round out our year of vacations with a trip to Northern Ireland. It will be memorable beyond my imaginings, I am sure. Ninth grade? No, I don't think anything important really happened that year. No real milestones for me. I am glad that his year will be one with some great Kodak moments for Jo. Moments that won't be so easliy forgotten as my last days in Junior High.

2006-08-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

Jonathan (just turned 13) told me yesterday that he knew how to deal with bullies.

"How?" I aksed.

"Easy, you just act really crazy. Like you go up to them real close and say, 'Hit me, please hit me,' pounding your chest and shaking your head. 'Come on, here! Hit me, right here! Please!' I swear dad it works!"

He also demonstrated how you can just stop in your tracks, fold yourself up on the flor and say, "I am a rubber ball."

This clip has no audio, but it is his demonstration this morning. He is saying, "You cannot see me. I am a Chameleon. You cannot see me."

I asked how many bullies he had actually run up against in school, wondering why I hadn't known about this before. He said, "Really, only one."

"Which technique did you use on him?"

"All of them."

Explains a lot. I swear he is happiest most undisturbed kid on the planet.

Eagles Will Fly

2006-08-02T00:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Josiah,

It's been almost two weeks, because of vacation with your mother, but already you look more like a man than last time you were here. Maybe it's football camp that has put that masculine confidence in your stride, less of that inocent lightness about you, like your youngest brother who would be skipping and jumping were he not on crutches (Ah, yes, your younger brothers, another responsibility that you take on without complaint. Is it any wonder you sometimes become exasperated?). Walking behind you today on the beach, it was puzzling to me that this broad shouldered young man could be my son, the same one I had carried on these sands and tossed over my head into the chilly water only a few short years ago. You wrestled with me in the shallows and probably would have won had you really tried, but dunkning me was enough fun; both joyous and strangely bitter sweet for your old man.

I know you are excited about Ireland and that makes me very happy. I never had a passport at your age, and though we are making this trip on a shoe string, after job changes and medical bills, I intend for you to fully enjoy the experience. That's one of the greatest joys a parent has; providing for his children what he never experienced himself. Up until now, you haven't been in anything larger than a Piper Cub. Me? Heck, I didn't fly until I was thirty, but now I have a certain frightened love for it, like Jonathan has for roller coasters. I've warned you that you'll need to be more open and willing to try new foods, and even that seems suddenly no big obstacle to you now. At least that's how I read your eyes when you nod your head. Oh, I sense that this will be an opening up of the world for you. I am excited... and yet, again, here is more proof that my boy is nearly grown.

Odd, that I should be maudlin about the fact. Isn't that the purpose of being a parent; raising children to adulthood? Ah, well, when you put it that way, I suppose it helps a little. Yet, I admit selfishness. There is so much that I have gained by being your dad, Josiah, and every moment with you over the years has been precious (okay, okay, so I lost my temper a couple of times, but Leggos really do hurt under bare feet in the dark).

Last Christmas I included a shaving kit in your gift dufflebag, sort of a rite of passage, and already you need to use it. You have a bit more than peach fuzz under that nose of yours, and this too pains me deeply: Already at fifteen you show the potential to grow a mustache more even and full than I ever have.

I don't know how I'll take it when you finally fly free of the nest, but I can be certain that you will soar bravely and with a certain youthful wisdom that I miss in my own soul, but delight to see in your eyes. Don't lose that too soon. If possible son, don't lose it at all. Find a way to remain both wise and full of faith, even as you do now in your youth. Believe me, it looks good on you.

Love,
Dad

Magnetic Poetry!

2006-07-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

This is a shameless plug for my personal blog. But it is completely related to fatherhood, so I'll forgive myself, knowing that you can have some fun with this.

Micah put THIS on the fridge, with just a little help from me. Or you can just scroll down the page, since I see that I'm so proud that I already posted it. One of my readers then posted her own refrigerator poem in reply, so I had to continue the fun. I looked for the magnetic poetry website and found that they have a spot where you can play with These Magnets ONLINE!

Try it, it's a cool way to waste your time, but you'll want to buy a set so you can spend some quality time with your children in the kitchen.

Enjoy!

Gay Fathers Chat!

2006-06-30T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, we are trying to pull together some chat times on GayFatherhood.com, so if you are a member or would like to get to know other gay men who have have children, please join us! Introduce yourself on the message boards and chime in about what time you'd like to chat in our java chat room.

Tonight's Friday night memory lane chat begins in ten minutes so I've gotta go!

Oh, and since we dads like to brag about our kids, here's a little refridgerator poetry from my ten year old for you. Enjoy!

Do We Have Peter Pan Syndrome?

2006-04-25T14:31:00.000-05:00

Vincent brings up an interesting topic about the "Gay Community." Are we as a whole, just not growing up?

I have noticed in a number of gay blogs I would read from time to time a growing frustration within the 'gay community'. The criticism is aimed at gay men who live and work to play hard, go clubbing all night, take recreational drugs and have plenty of sex without commitement and often without protection. The arguement seems to run along the lines of when do gay men grow up, when does this teenage menatality in gay culture become more, more than than drag queens, outrageous Pride Parades, body-beautiful focused, youth orientated,sex obsessed, drug fueled self indulgence!!

Read the rest of this post and join in the discussion in our community for gay dads, GayFatherhood.com!

What makes my world go round...

2006-04-12T23:04:00.000-05:00

These three guys are the greatest treasures life has given me. Tell me about yours... And check out our community at GayFatherhood.com

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Oh No, he's going on 16!

2006-04-11T19:07:00.000-05:00

My oldest son is unbelievably 15. Well, he carries 15 well, I mean he's very believable, that's not the problem. I'm just having the universal difficulty of parental adjustment to realizing that my little baby is a full fledged teenager. Sigh...

But what a great kid. He cares about his brothers, reads to the youngest, helps the middle guy with home work. He tries not to beat them up more than necessary. And now he's on MySpace.

Of course I immediately had all kinds of worries, including cyber-space predators, porn and generally bad influences. But I was relieved to see that his profile is private and there are only a few friends on his list; gaming buddies. Furthermore, I was given the honor of being invited to become one of his online friends.

Of course, friends and dads are not on equal ground, but you get the idea. He is still open enough to let me into some of his world and the worrier in me can keep an eye on what he's doing. Now, to keep a balance between being dad and keeping myself in the privileged position of being trusted with a pass to his Space.

Oh, yeah, so here is my MySpace. I don't have time for it really, so mostly I'll keep it as a link to my two spots on journalspace (including The Dirty Orange Book.), this blog and Gayfatherhood.com as well.

Yes, we're still here!

2006-02-27T18:16:00.001-05:00

Sorry, a lovely little monkey left us a comment, wishing us to come back from the light. Well, I'm no Carol Ann, no man in a black coat trying to get me. However, I was pretty sick all winter. I promise to post more here soon.

Meantime, please check out our main house on the web at GayFatherhood.com!

I'll be back soon, like Tuesday! I promise!

Email from their Mother

2005-11-11T11:49:00.000-05:00

Josiah and Jonathan both made the honor roll at school. I was really worried about Jon and his first year of middle school (especially with his learning disability and all), but he's doing great! He was embarrassed though. I just had him to the eye Dr. and he needs glasses for distance only, and also the dentist said he needs braces, so Jon thinks with the whole get up of the glasses and braces plus being an honor student everyone will think he's a geek. The little bugger wouldn't even let me see his report card....(I had to sneak a peak).

Cool, eh? Well, I'm off to take the boys out for Josiah's 15th birthday celebration. :-) Happy parenting to all...

David

Micah's Latest Song

2005-11-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, dirty laundry calls with its barbaric Yawp, but before I go, here is a song written this week by my nine year old son, Micah. There is humor and seriousness about this piece when I read it. It must be confusing to be a child sometimes, putting up with us crazy adults and our various moods and insanities. I barely remember. Poor guy, I'm glad he can find laughter in it, but I see an ironic sadness as well. I wish you could hear him sing/rap it out. Perhaps we'll record it.

Tell Me Now

I don't know anything anymore.
I don't know how to use the front door.
Could someone show me how?
Last time I hit my head, said ow!

Tell me.
Tell me now.

I use cheese for toilet paper.
That's not right.

Show me how,
tell me now.

Yo, I want to know right now.
Tell me before I take a bath in the sink.
I can't think.

Tell me already
Tell me Right now!

By Micah, 9 Years Old

Happy Halloween

2005-10-31T15:00:00.000-05:00

Messages

2005-10-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

I try to place the cap on my head
but find that it's too small.
My fumbling hand finds reason;

its size mischievously transformed
to fit your little dome. Thirty six years
on your seven-year crown. Mid October,

with it's grays and browns, warms
to Indian Summer, almost green
in the sun of your wide eyes.

Some while ago your brothers stood
shocked at the announcement of Spring--
the year's first robin, suddenly alighting

in your hair. Last Fall as we drove
through the forest’s confetti,
in our own private parade, you told me,

"The leaves are notes." Written to the earth,
you said. "But people pick them up
and most of them, are never read."

Shoulders and Leaves

2005-10-24T07:55:00.000-05:00

Neck muscles ache from the grip

of little legs, knees that tense

with each new glimpse of a glowing

autumn world. You throw wide

your arm and point a pudgy finger

at two girls who toss
a big red ball over still-green grass,

your lips babbling syllables of delight

in a language I once knew.

Solemnly you stare down a fierce-

eyed husky, head tilted as his

with the weight of quiet questions.

You laugh at the sudden hiss

of a tattered tabby cat

arched in bristly orange and white.

High in the oak tree overhead

a red squirrel leaps from branch to branch,

and you return the tree limbs' waving,

while all around us leaves of red and gold

drift downward to the road, falling,

tumbling, rustling through the silence,

slipped from their moorings, softly
as the days unnoticed, one by one,
released by the wind's incessant pull.

David J. Bauman © 2005

A Gay Dad's Magic Moment

2005-10-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

A lovely little topic that Vincent brought up recently on GF.

How about we go back in time to the early days of living with Brian, several years ago. I wondered how well they would accept our relationship. Early one morning I got up from the bed I share with Brian to do my bathroom rituals and came back to the sound of laughing and giggling. All three of my little guys had climbed into bed with Brian, to tickle and wake him up. Seeing the whole family in that magic moment meant a lot to me. I knew we had "arrived," and that whatever else lay ahead, we were off to a good start.

I cannot describe the joy or lightness of heart I felt. But I knew that Brian was officially part of the family, and that we would be alright.

Read and post your magic moment here at GayFatherhood.com

2005-10-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

Catholic parents send pro-gay message to Vatican

2005-10-14T14:42:00.000-05:00

About 75 Catholic parents of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender children released a statement Wednesday evening rejecting church teaching on homosexuality and calling Vatican policies "spiritually abusive." A group called Catholic Rainbow Parents read a "declaration of wisdom and love" on the steps of the Cathedral of St. Paul before placing a scroll containing the document in the center door of the cathedral......more HERE

the joys of fatherhood.....

2005-10-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

CLICK HERE

the troubles of wedlock

2005-10-14T13:15:00.000-05:00

Seattle's syndicated sex-advice columnist Dan Savage poses the question "How can two gay guys be in favor of legal same-sex marriage and huge fans of the traditional family without wanting to marry?"

click HERE for more

sweet dreams

2005-10-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

(via)

Walk A Little Slower Daddy

2005-10-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

"Walk a Little slower, Daddy." said a little child so small.

I'm following in your footsteps and I don't want to fall.

Sometimes your steps are very fast, sometimes they're hard to see;

So walk a little slower Daddy, for you are leading me.

Someday when I'm all grown up, You're what I want to be.

Then I will have a little child who'll want to follow me.

And I would want to lead just right, and know that I was true;

So, walk a little slower, Daddy, for I must follow you!!

~author unknown

(via)

Should the kids know?

2005-10-13T11:26:00.000-05:00

Here is an excerpt from a current discussion on GF...

...In my situation I had more obstacles than Vincent when it comes to the dangers of passionately followed religion. The whole of Virginia's family and about half of mine were predisposed against homosexuality as some kind of sin or sickness. Her parents were angry with me for hurting their little girl (and who can blame them for that?).

My thinking was that they needed to hear it from me before they heard it from a hostile source (no matter how well-intentioned the Christians may have felt they were). I couldn't bare to think of them alone in their rooms at night privately trying to process the awful information given to them. "Is Daddy gay? Will Daddy go to Hell?" I wanted to assure them before we got to that point. Would there be questions later? Of course, but better to have them preceeded by my loving assurance.

How old are your kids? And who might they hear about this from? A gossip spreading relative? An angry hurt mother? Might she have heard things about you and suspect? There are a lot of things to consider here when deciding what is best for the kids, and only you know the answers to these questions...

Sound like a discussion you'd be interested in? Come join the Gay Fatherhood Community and share with other gay dads who face similar issues.

When I Came Out to My Son

2005-10-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

That was nearly six years ago. I found an old post I made about this back on our former MSN group. I thought it would be a good archive to revisit here....I told my oldest son when he was nine. He's 13 now(at the time I am pulling this out of the archives he is almost 15 and still doing very well! Great kid), and I couldn't be happier that we opened up the subject so long ago.

I knew it would be an important talk, but I didn't want it to seem like a big or traumatic deal. I wanted it to be simply dad sharing with his son an important, but natural part of his life. We simply had a day together and while taking a walk I explained it to him. He had grown up in a church atmosphere, so this was all new to him. He took in this new knowledge of me though, and I would like to think that he assimilated it as easily as he did because I had worked to have an open and trusting relationship with him before the topic ever came up. So this was just new information about dad, that's all. At probably my best moment in the discussion I told him that for some people it was just more natural to fall in love with people of the same gender. And that dad was one of those people.

I could see the wheels turning in his head, but he smiled and shrugged and digested this. I also told him that some people didn't understand; people like his grandmother, who had good intentions, but who was angry at me for hurting her daughter, his mother. And that his grandparents have a belief, unshared by me, that being gay was some kind of lifestyle choice, a choice condemned by god. I told him that some people were people were haters, and he seemed to know that much already, but I assured him that some people, like his grandparents were just upset by it because they couldn't understand. Because it was so different.

He shrugged his shoulders, looked into my eyes and said, "But Dad, everybody's different." I have to laugh at this point because poor smokey has heard this story so many times now. But that moment was a huge relief to me. I think he already knew that there was some unspoken tension between mom and dad, and he seemed relieved to know what it was, and that it was nothing worse than this.

Kids are emotional barometers, capable of detecting far more than we give them credit for. The rest of that beautiful day was one of the best days we had ever spent together. I think it was a load off of both our minds. Now we've been able to get past this supposedly big deal and just get on with the more important task of growing up... both of us.

Read more stories like this at Gay Fatherhood!

Safe Sex a Thing of the Past?

2005-10-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

Is the practice of safe sex becoming a thing of the past? Unfortunately with the recent trends of increased "bareback" activity, it apparently is. Is the world becoming a victim of its own success when it comes to STD and HIV prevention? Now that there are more and more available medicines, and in the wake of years of safer sex promotion, are we seeing more HIV and STD infections again because the threat, now less, seems "less real" to people?

Why bring this topic up in a Gay Dads' forum? Well, we are supposed to be setting examples for our children, right? So why the hell are we acting like irresponsible teenagers? But it's not only our example, it's our very lives, I'm talking about. I don't know about you, but I want to stay alive for my childrens' sake, as well as to see my own grandchildren some day.

We gay parents, of all people in the gay community, really need to speak up and educate more on this topic.

I found this article this morning on a fantastic little New Zealand web group run by Tenicks. Check out his site and read the full article here.

Yours,
David

APB on Coming out to Children

2005-10-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

On our old MSN group, the issue of coming out has been a pretty popular positng topic over the years. On the new groupee site I wanted to get the discussions started again with this article by Amity Pierce Buxton.

I think I'll also post an old story of how I came out to my oldest son almost six years ago. I cannot believe that he will be 15 next month!

Warm thoughts to you and your family,
David, Son of Walt

That Gay Picture on the Right

2005-09-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

Yes, indeed, I wanted to post something about that nice little "gay" picture on the right. On your left is Vincent and on the right Smokey, my two best friends in the world, literally! They are holding me up as they always have done from the start. That shot was taken last summer when Vincent and his family came to my home in Pennsylvania from Northern Ireland and Keith drove up from Frederick Maryland and we had a little family bash.

I got to see Keith (Smokey) again a couple of weeks ago when he took some time off to help take care of me after having surgery on my foot. And earlier this Summer I had the pleasure of hosting another visit from Vincent, his husband (another David) and son Conor. Next year Brian and I hope to visit them in their new home in Newtonards (did I spell that right?). We would like to see more of the guys from our online community get involved in creating small local gatherings in 2006 while we plan for a larger GF Vacation in 2007.

So, come meet us at GayFatherhood.com and join in. If you thought you were one of the few or only gay men who loved being parents, you might be in for a surprise. I cannot tell you how different my life is since I met these men over three years ago online at our begining MSN group. They have enriched my life.

2005-09-28T07:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Gay Fathers' Bumbling Blog!

2005-09-26T07:44:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the official blog of GayFatherhood.com! I'm slowly recovering from foot surgery and too quickly back to work, so my apologies to those of you (Marcel, in particular) who have been waiting for me to get off my butt and get started with this!.

Our plan is to make this a team blog from the managers of Gay Fatherhood, to promote interest in the group and spread encouragement to gay parents everywhere! We'll be posting links and stories from Gayfatherhood.com on a regular basis, so keep your browser tuned right here!

Marcel, Damnit! I cannot figure out how to upload a picture! Every time I try to upload one into this post it says, "After you click Done, you can change and update your blog." So I click Done and there is NO picture. I KNOW you know how to post pics on your pretty blog, so you better get in here as the blogspot expert and show me the way. Else I'll have to take a suicide jump off a very tall column of html! :-)

David,
Founding Manager of GayFatherhood.com.

2005-09-12T13:59:00.000-05:00

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
(F.P.Jones)

.....indeed,therefore we ask you all to wait a little until we have hit off with this blog.a blog created by fathers for fathers.However,please be patient, the sidebar will be set up this week......to get an idea of what we are trying to achieve,but in a sort of 'blogger-version,click on THIS